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My Triathlon Journey and Paris

Non-Selection

The Spark for the Dream

When I was nine years old, I was told to never run again. Apparently five stress fractures in ‘the stumpstinator’ (my residual, amputated limb) was not ideal. Naturally (!) a dream was born—a dream to run again. This dream carried me through years of challenges and triumphs, ultimately leading me to pursue a spot in the Paris 2024 Paralympic Games in the sport of Triathlon. This would be my third elite sport after being swimming (1999 – 2009) and cycling (20210 – 2021).

The training recipe

Preparing for Paris qualification required an intense and meticulously planned training regimen. Let’s bring this to life…

  • Daily: Breathwork and Mindfulness Practice, & Duolingo
  • Weekly:
    • 4 Bike
    • 3 – 4 Swim, including 1-2 open water
    • 3 x Run, via Alter Gravity Machine and gazzilions of running drills
    • 2 – 3 Heat
    • 2 x Gym
    • 2 x Mobility
    • 2 x Treatment (physio, soft tissue, osteo and acupuncture)
    • 2 x Cold
    • 1 x Transition
    • 1 x French lesson
    • = 29hrs per week (not including travel, naps, and the hours it takes to get organised for each session)
  • Monthly
    • Psych appointment
  • Yearly (approx.)
    • 8243km on the bike
    • 7240 minutes of mindfulness & breathwork
    • 782km in wheelchair
    • 632km of swimming
    • 347 bananas
    • 323km of running (alter G and jogging)
    • 173hrs of French
    • 108 gym sessions
    • 40hrs of leg making
    • 17hrs of psychology sessions
    • = approx 60K of volunteering time to train in elite sport; add this up over the years…

The timeline (aka the wheel Roller Coaster)

Image from World Triathlon

2021

  • Jan: Bike crash = emergency @ the Alfred.
  • March: Bike crash = emergency and surgery @ St Vincent’s = non qualification for Tokyo.
  • Nov: Surgery to stumpy. We chopped an inch off, pulled the globular skin up and over to help form my ‘foot’. It wasn’t a 3-4 month rehab as advised; it took 12 months to the day… This surgery was to open the door to running. It was also delayed due to COVID restrictions.
  • Dec: New walking and cycling leg as an acquired and congenital amputee!

2022

  • Feb: New walking and cycling leg
  • March: Oceania Triathlon Para Cup, Newcastle – Gold – on CRUTCHES for run
  • March – Sep: Chronic debilitating hip pain, solved through pain neuroscience
  • June: New cycling leg
  • Dec: Shifted out of rehab for stumpy

2023

  • March:– First running leg
  • March: First stress to bone for stumpy’s knee
  • April: Oceania Triathlon Para Cup, Busselton – Silver (Walking leg for run)
  • Nov: World Triathlon Para Cup, Malaga – Gold
  • Nov: World Triathlon Para Cup, Taranto – Bronze (bone stress injury)

2024

  • Jan: Second running leg
  • Jan: Daily injections (athlete legal!) to help manage bone health
  • Feb: New swim leg
  • May: Ongoing bone weakness
  • June: Third running leg
  • June: World Triathlon Para Series, Swansea – Bronze
  • June: World Triathlon Para Series, Montreal – 5th (shin splint 2 days before race)

Image: Paul Wright

The Hardships Along the Way

Interspersed in this timeline has been the loss of my grandma (2020), grandpa (2021), mum (2022), and dad ‘JB’ (2023). This meant packing up and selling the family home.  As a small aside – declutter people!!! We aren’t going to live forever, give your kids and loved ones this gift…

Add in experiences of complicated grief, eating disorders, sexual harrassement, and suicidal ideation. And not a stat you want to have – I have spent more days in my wheelchair than out of it for over seven years. This is because I have prioritised training, sport, and qualifications, rather than walking. For example, being able to walk up the stairs to my bed; there has been a lot of bum shuffling and tears at the bottom of my staircase. Or walking down to the garage to put the rubbish in the bin. Try doing that on crutches or a chair. Or going up two steps with the chair through a fire door. The little things add up. Hopefully this is a vent, not a dump... I do realise that given my part-time wheelchair use, combined with blinded optimism, I haven’t made where I live full accessible… Maybe one of those stair lifts like they have in Europe is next or an automatic fire door?!! (Future Han take note…).

The Reality of the Paralympics

Making a Paralympics is a mix of hard work (see training recipe), an amazing support network (see thank you list), classification luck, and opportunity. Despite the hard work, dedication, resilience, goal setting, amazing support network, well-being practices, overcoming gazzilions of injuries and hurdles, I haven’t made the team for the 2024 Paris Paralympic Games in Triathlon. I am a reserve.

There have been so many feelings since finding this out last week. You feel like you have let your support team down. It is all compounded by the fact that this is the THIRD games I have been a reserve for. You have thoughts like, ‘what a fool for being an elite athlete for so long’, ‘how selfish have I been’, ‘why was I so stupid’, ‘why have I dedicated so much of my life to this – it hasn’t been worth it’.

Why Paris?

And why did I want to go to Paris?  After missing Tokyo, I decided to have the surgery to stumpy to open the door for running. I always knew this would be a big gamble, a big ask. I hadn’t run since I was nine. I am now 36. I have done non-impact sports for 25 years. BUT triathlon combined the swimming career with my love for cycling AND it helped progress my dream of running again.

But WHY Paris itself? Paris holds a personal magic. I love Paris as a city– the history, the restaurants, the cafes, the almond croissants, the culture of cycling. And as a cyclist, Paris holds a super special meaning with the Tour de France, the myth and meaning around this. French is a beautiful language; I’ve now been learning for the past four years. And to be on a team where we have progressed to represent our whole country, not just ‘white’ Australia. We represent the oldest living civilisation on Earth. A culture filled with resilience, wisdom, whole being, and person-first approaches. To feel that energy of being in the athlete village with humans from all over the world. To be a part of the biggest diversity and inclusive event on the planet. An event that only happens every four years. To have ridden down the Champs-Elysees on closed roads, to have swum in the Seine (yes I was excited about this!). To have competed in a race that suited a swimmer and a cyclist i.e., Hannah Macdougall. To feel part of something way bigger than yourself. Connection. Pride. Hard work paying off. Excellence. Performance. A once in a lifetime.

Current State: The Full Spectrum of Human Emotion

I am currently gutted. Shattered. Angry. Sad. I’ve been hysterical. I’ve been un-reasonable. I have had extremely unhelpful thoughts created from old neural pathways put down over the past few years. I have wanted to escape the pain. Because every cell in my body wanted to go to Paris for the Paralympics. And what makes me sad is how jaded I now am with the Paralympics as a movement. As well as not understanding, World Triathlon, why ‘our’ bipartite application was unsuccessful… You don’t get any explanation, and thus a lack of closure in this sense.

And I recognise I have left no stone unturned. And yes I have loved parts of the journey – I have run again; for brief, fleeting moments, without pain. To be honest though, the 5km in wales at the end of the triathlon did feel like a marathon at the time ;). And while we are on Wales, I put together a race in that I am so proud of. That I knew I was capable of. A race that showed I can be a part of the best in the world. And that was with all the hurdles that led up to that race. Imagine if the journey had of been smoother… Smooth Peanut butter, not crunchy. We left no stone unturned. In this sense, there are no regrets. And I hold my head high. But fuck, it still hurts. As humans, we have this capacity. A capacity for both FML and love and soul. Life -hurt, pain, joy, gratitude.

And yes, it’s too soon to ask what’s next! I have done a PhD in well-being though, so have some tools in the toolbox… This means – one day, one breath at a time. Putting out the welcome mat and sitting with all the spectrum of emotions. Recognising that:

“Loving and grieving are joined at the hip, for all the beauty, soul, and travail that brings. Grief is a way of loving what has slipped from view. Love is a way of grieving that which has not yet done so… They need each other in order to be themselves”

Stephen Jenkinson

Initially though, I want to walk again, ride my bike for fun, and have many long overdue catch ups. I want to spend time with my six week old niece. I get to work at Melbourne Football Club with a bunch of beautiful souls; for this, I am so grateful. A huge thank you to those involved in this Paris campaign and the transition:

BUT the biggest love and thanks to my family and friends. You know who you are. You are the ones who have been there when I have cried many tears because I am so happy to be on the bike. Or when I have cried many tears when I have just found out I have another injury and can’t walk again. You are the ones who have helped me heal and put me back together – time and time again. You are the ones who wrap me in hugs, in words of affirmation, and have endless patience with the gruelling training schedule and inflexibility of being an elite athlete. You are the ones who light up my soul. I have no words.

Some disclaimers:

  • Numbers are rough guesstimates based on training peaks data.
  • This has been written in an extremely raw emotional state. I have forgotten people, events, and other important life events. My apologies!!!

Four Days Post

The grief is still very raw and there are still lots of tears; it’s okay to note be okay! AND I have spent time with family, had hugs, sung songs, and cooked food with love. I’ve felt love and support from work, friends and family. I’ve felt gratitude, I have laughed, I have had patted doggos. Small healing steps, including writing this article. An article that is aiming to normalise grief and what it is to love and be human. I have also received a beautiful painting from a friend that depicts a moment in Wales; a moment to remind me to be proud.

Remember, if you or someone you know needs help or support for mental health challenges or illness, Lifeline can be called on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.

Painting and image by Lisa Jacob